Message from a Friend

Today, Know these things.

-you are beautiful
-you are talented
-you are creative
-you are a warm and fuzzy thought to me
-you are a marketable commodity
-you are loved by people from all over the country
-you are respected because of your poise
-you are someone I admire
-you are a beacon of strength
-you are VERY important to me
-you are making a differance in this world just because of who you are
-you are living a life that is full of meaning
-your belief in me has changed my life
-when you cry it builds your inner strength
-there is nothing i wouldn't do for you.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Gold for you, child

Oh how much easier it would be if I had someone to love.
If I didn't hang on every word he said.
If I didn't get nervous and glad and scared everytime he was around.
If I didn't want to be friends with him.
If a part of me didn't still want reconciliation.
Lindsay, get over it.
He never wants you back
And really, in your heart, you know God has someone so much better.
So stop focusing on this soft little piece of copper when God's got gold just waiting for you to discover.

Just want to be

Yes, I'm still grateful, but I'm feeling defeated too.
I'm so stuck vocally. A week ago, I was flying high and now I'm back at square one.
How long can someone take this mental abuse?
The back and forth drama of my own vocal life.
How long can someone keep trying and trying and trying.
Sometimes I wish I could quit this rat race I haven't even really begun yet.
But at the same time, I think it really began a long time ago.
Sometimes the hope that I have been living out the most frustrating part- on many levels- of this vocal journey... that thought keeps me going.
It's got to get better.
But an inconsistent technique.
A changing voice.
Not knowing what the hell is going on a lot of the time.
Who's idea was it to sign up to work this highly techical instrument which I never get to actually see and of which there is no clear manual of instruction.
I'm just shooting in the dark most of the time- it feels like.
There is nothing concrete to hold onto.
No way to get from Point A to Point B.
And when things go good or bad, most of the time I don't even know why, so I feel helpless to solve the problem.
And then there's this mind...
An analytical mind that goes about learning how to sing with the determination of an overzealous scientist looking for a cure to cancer- a bit too much gusto most of the time.
I keep telling my mind to chill out and just get out of my natural way, but I don't think I know any other way to live besides through my thoughts and musings.
Lately I find myself sort of wishing for some sort of life-altering distraction that could justify giving up.
Because I just want to give up a lot of days.
I know it's hard in between work.
I know that this down time about drives you crazy because you don't have anything tangible to work towards, because I'm unemployed, because I have nothing to do besides sit around and analyze my vocal technique to exhaustion.
I try too hard.
I don't try hard enough.
I get in my own way.
I get caught up in my thoughts.
I'm frustrated.
Don't say anything to me though.
I don't want to be consoled.
I just want to be.

Grateful.
I am.

I am cared for beyond my own comprehension.
I am loved by people once strangers.
I am a part of many families.
I have two homes.
One in Wyoming.
One in Kansas City.
I have two sets of parents.
I have many grandparents here in Kansas City.
I live with friends.
I live in a house with a yard and a beautiful little kitchen.
With windows and a dog.
I live in a neighborhood with the most beautiful trees and a multitude of squirrels.
I live in a house with 2 pianos- one of them a Steinway baby grand.
I have everything I need.
And more.

I have a church that I love.
A place I belong.
I have special friends.
I have Jesus.

I am grateful.
Joyful.
I am cared for by the creator of the world.
I am loved.

Thank you.

Recollections of a blue cup

Recollections of the blue cup

streams of water running off my mom’s elbow
I catch it in my hands
This is where I stand
Waiting, blue cup in hand
small streams of water ricochet and run down her body
like small tributaries they join and meet at the lowest point of her upper body
pouring from her elbow like water from a spigot
And that is where I stand with that hard, blue plastic cup in my outstretched hand
It fills quickly
I fill it again and again
Standing in the shower with mom
Writing “I love you”s on the steamy shower door
Singing Skidamarinkadink
Lost in love
Lost in play
Lost in life the way only a mom and young daughter can be.

**************

Little white bench
Right of the fireplace
Small rectangular window
Lightning flashing
Thunder rumbling
Mom making a special drink in the blender
Serving it in the blue cup
Sitting with me on little white bench
Watching the storm
Calming childhood fears
With love and attention
And a fruit smoothy

Winter, I am so over you!

You give me nothing of value. No snow---just cold and ice... Nothing to do outside since there is no snow or mountains... Nothing to do inside either, and for some reason a part of my body is always cold ALL the time- no matter where I am. The only places that I am able to completely warm up are in the shower, in my bed, and in my car. BUT, my apt sucks and I only have a limited amount of hot water so I don't have time to really get warmed up; the water always runs out and so the last minute of my shower is always lukewarm... grr... screw you apartment complex- glad I'm done with you in a week!

Now... my car is glorious! If you've looked at my car, glorious probably wouldn't be the first word which comes to mind, but this little car has a heater which pumps some serious degrees straight from hell! The other day when I got to work I was actually a little car sick because I had the heat a bit too hot and I guess the motion and heat kinda made me nauseous!

And lastly, my bed- it is seriously one of my favorite places in the world- definately my favorite place in everyday life- especially in the winter...and I have a corn bag that you can heat up in the microwave. I sleep with it every night- it's one of my most prized posessions because of the sheer joy and comfort it brings this poor freezing body in the cold of winter.