Walking at Night

I've been walking in the dark lately.
Literally walking through neighborhoods with families carefully tucked away for the night.
I've been feeling the exhilaration of having a part of a busy city basically to myself.
I live here, but I don't.
I enjoy the neighborhoods.
I glance at houses half-lit.
I wonder what their life is like in there.
I look longingly at the towering oak trees that keep me company on lonely streets.
Invisible smells come to me through the darkness.
They bring sensations, and emotions, and memories.
I like the darkness on the streets.
I don't feel scared, but sometimes I think about how others are scared.
I sometimes imagine what it would be like if a random truck passed by and two men jumped out and kidnapped me.
I imagine my heart pounding.
I imagine that my head would spin and I would feel that state of adreneline rush through my body.
But then I imagine the way my mind would kick into protective mode- how I would deal with the situation with the best possible survival and people skills I could possibly have.
But these are all just fleeting thoughts- mostly out of a feeling of neccessity. A feeling that others worry about these sort of things, maybe I should atleast acknowledge them.
But I don't really feel the need to give it anymore than a passing thought.
I'm not scared of walking in the dark in this neighborhood.
Instead, I walk and think about other things.
I think about God- I actually talk to God a lot.
That is part of the reason I love walking in the dark so much lately.
It's our time.
The walking keeps my body from distraction.
Conversation comes so much easier.
I am in an almost constant state of awe and thankfulness for the beauty and solitude I am able to have in the middle of this usual busy world.
Such joy I feel.
And then I think about life.
Tonight, I wrestle with opposing feelings of career and purpose.
Of love and crush.
Music.
Homeless children.
God.
Family.
Settle.
Free.
Nomad.
I wrestle with opposing feelings of relationship.
Single. Free.
Traveling.
Undivided in my work and love for God.
Married.
Companionship.
Someone to come home to.
Someone to cuddle with.
Someone to share with.
To cook dinner.
To not cook when I don't feel like it.
I think.
And I think.
And I think.
And I walk.
It's one of the most wonderful things I am enjoying right now.
And it's at night.
That is what I enjoy.
I like night.
When I'm walking
and thinking
and praying
and loving
and struggling
but talking with
My
God.
He is My God now for good.

Life Significance

I can't stop thinking about the family that we saw at BigLots the other night- a young guy probably my age, his wife, and their 6 or 7 year old son. They looked like a regular family- in fact I didn't even really give them a second look. After we got in the car, Michele said, "Did you see... they bought a jar of spaghetti sauce for a dollar and a package of spaghetti noodles for a dollar." That was their dinner. $2.00. That is all they had to spend on dinner that night.

My heart breaks. I can't get them out of my mind. How can I sit so comfortably in my house with food all around me- a glutton for all intents. How can I even think about working my whole life just to please myself- just to save enough money to own a house I can call my own- I can possess. To pour all my time and money into me when there are so many people out there that can only afford a $2.00 dinner. I can't stand it. I can't stop thinking about it. Life seems too short. Life seems to significant to spend it making a fortress for myself.

And they aren't the only ones. I know I can't give them all food and a house, but I can give them something so much more. I can help them find the love and hope and peace that I feel lately. The deep-rooted love and care of Jesus in my life.

Curious Perplexity

I wonder why I allow myself to have affection for someone who shows absolutely no interest in me.
I wonder why he doesn't atleast like me a little?
I wonder how come it's so hard to have a conversation with him.
It's impossible.
I want to just let it go and get on with my own thoughts.
But curiosity wants to know who and what sort of girl he is looking for.
It' s not me and I just need to accept that, and I will,
But it's just perplexing.

I'm better than good.
I'm understanding real peace for the first time.
I'm filled with true joy.
I'm giving up control.
I'm filling up with love for my God.
I'm working at something worthwhile.
I am developing lasting friendships, new and old.
Life is good.

I like someone.