Just want to be

Yes, I'm still grateful, but I'm feeling defeated too.
I'm so stuck vocally. A week ago, I was flying high and now I'm back at square one.
How long can someone take this mental abuse?
The back and forth drama of my own vocal life.
How long can someone keep trying and trying and trying.
Sometimes I wish I could quit this rat race I haven't even really begun yet.
But at the same time, I think it really began a long time ago.
Sometimes the hope that I have been living out the most frustrating part- on many levels- of this vocal journey... that thought keeps me going.
It's got to get better.
But an inconsistent technique.
A changing voice.
Not knowing what the hell is going on a lot of the time.
Who's idea was it to sign up to work this highly techical instrument which I never get to actually see and of which there is no clear manual of instruction.
I'm just shooting in the dark most of the time- it feels like.
There is nothing concrete to hold onto.
No way to get from Point A to Point B.
And when things go good or bad, most of the time I don't even know why, so I feel helpless to solve the problem.
And then there's this mind...
An analytical mind that goes about learning how to sing with the determination of an overzealous scientist looking for a cure to cancer- a bit too much gusto most of the time.
I keep telling my mind to chill out and just get out of my natural way, but I don't think I know any other way to live besides through my thoughts and musings.
Lately I find myself sort of wishing for some sort of life-altering distraction that could justify giving up.
Because I just want to give up a lot of days.
I know it's hard in between work.
I know that this down time about drives you crazy because you don't have anything tangible to work towards, because I'm unemployed, because I have nothing to do besides sit around and analyze my vocal technique to exhaustion.
I try too hard.
I don't try hard enough.
I get in my own way.
I get caught up in my thoughts.
I'm frustrated.
Don't say anything to me though.
I don't want to be consoled.
I just want to be.

Grateful.
I am.

I am cared for beyond my own comprehension.
I am loved by people once strangers.
I am a part of many families.
I have two homes.
One in Wyoming.
One in Kansas City.
I have two sets of parents.
I have many grandparents here in Kansas City.
I live with friends.
I live in a house with a yard and a beautiful little kitchen.
With windows and a dog.
I live in a neighborhood with the most beautiful trees and a multitude of squirrels.
I live in a house with 2 pianos- one of them a Steinway baby grand.
I have everything I need.
And more.

I have a church that I love.
A place I belong.
I have special friends.
I have Jesus.

I am grateful.
Joyful.
I am cared for by the creator of the world.
I am loved.

Thank you.